11th May :'(

Actually i dont want to disclose that i had made my first confession to a girl. But after i watch a movie named

《夏日乐悠悠》 Love You You (2011) 

its make me feel like writing it out in the blog to release the misery in me. 11th May i borrow my Arizan's car at night and go the S house for confession. Before the confession, i had a bad feeling that my confession will fail because i think its not the time to confess, however, i dont belive my feeling. Even though i know that most probably i'll fail but never try never know, if i try maybe i have 1% of success :(

After i reach her house, i park my car somewhere away but near her house. I want to call her to make sure she is at home and ask her to come down stair, but...there is something unpleasant happened. the phone line is so bad that i cant reach her. i called her so many times...i think around 20 times, Finally i can get through her. Then i talk with her normally. And i make sure that she at home. After that i hang up. Then, i use the candles to make " I <3 U" but the wind is keep on blowing off most of the candles. After everything done, i call her again, i ask her to come out her house, in the mean time, i saw her mom and her sister coming back home. A moment later, i saw her, she finally come out from her house. and finally we met. 

Im nervous. i directly tell her my purpose. When she saw the candles "I <3 U" , she ask me to keep it. At that time, im heart cracked the most, its hopeless. Everything is DOOM! IM SO SAD! The answer she gave me was, just to be normal friend... The moment i heard it..i wanted to cry but i just cant cry out.. its suffer inside..

After finish talking, she go back to her house, and my tears directly fall from my eye at the moment she leave me.

i cry all the way back to my house. I never know that im that weak. These few nights, just before i slept, i picture the scene again, and my tears come out form my eye, i cant stand with it.. :'(

Yesterday (Sunday) i went out with Bing yu, Chloe, eve, boon, sj, belle, kai wen, wei chong they all. During lunch, when i heard Eve said, if a girl reject a guy by saying "just want to be friend" its meant that the girl never love that guy :'( and she also said that, usually the guy will misunderstand that the girl is giving the opportunity to the guy...but, its not. Indirectly, its mean that S really dont love me.. =(

S! i always look for you and thicken my face to find you in campus! do you think im that strong? Now only i realize that im so weak.. im.. so.. weak.. im so weak... one rejection can make me so emo, crying at night... 

Now, im with the fake smile in campus, fake laugh, to cover my emo-ness, i hope i can have my real smile very soon.. ='(

Im suffer! but at least i tell her my heart's feeling.. its make me feel good and also sad at the same time. im not regret what i done, but im just sad..

p/s: i hope my next post wont be emo.. ='(
      i felt abit better after i wrote my feeling